The debate about Aslan ihatei made me think of this little spoof that I wrote last fall. I hope it will amuse you.
ARMPIT THEATER
In connection with McWhirter's Quick-frozen Porridge Fingers
Proudly presents:
THE IHATEI
Episode Two
Narrator: In the last episode we followed the life of Worekea, a typical middle-class Aslan restaurant manager with two wives, an unmarried sister, and four children ranging from a truculent near-adolescent male to an adorable five-year old daughter, and saw that it really sucked and that the land-hunger tore at him. Now we join him as he returns home to his family at the end of the day. His chief wife Eavis awaits him.
Worekea: "Honey, I'm home!"
Eavis: "Welcome home, dear. How was your day?"
Worekea: "Rotten, just rotten. I'm sick of having to defer to all those nobles. And I'm consumed by an insatiable hunger for land."
Eavis: "There, there, dear. Dinner will be ready soon. That'll cheer you up."
Worekea: "No, I've made up my mind! I'm not going to put up with it any more. Have a look at this."
Eavis: What is it?"
Worekea: "It's a catalog from Honest Arois' Used Starships. I want us to buy a Fituiva class freighter. You know, the one that has the exact same stats as an Imperial Empress Marava\_ class free trader."
Eavis: "I don't think we can afford that, dear. It costs 36,8 million credits."
Worekea: "From new, yes, but this is a 100 year old rattletrap that Honest Arois is giving away for one tenth that! That's, let's see, divide by 10, carry the 4... eh... uh..."
Eavis: "3,68 million credits, yes. That's still more than we can afford."
Worekea: "Is it really? Well, why don't we split the cost with some other people? There's Fulualea, the cook at the restaurant, I'm sure I can persuade him to come."
Eavis: How many people can the ship carry?"
Worekea: "Let's see, it has 10 staterooms and room for 12 more in low berth. With two to a stateroom that comes to 32 in all."
Eavis: "Our share would be 920,000 credits. We could save that up in 23 years if we didn't have to pay rent, food, and taxes in the meantime."
Worekea: "Oh! Well, how about hot bunking? That way we can get another 20 people into the staterooms."
Eavis (doubtful): "Do you really think it's a good idea to overload the life support system of a 100 year old starship by 100%?"
Worekea: "Well, maybe not. But then how about putting low berths in the cargo hold and get more people that way?"
Eavis: "Wouldn't we need to carry equipment along if we want to settle in some wilderness?"
Worekea: "You're right. Let me check The Dummy's Guide to Emigrating. It says here each colonist needs an average 1.5 dT worth of equipment. For 32 people that would require 48 dT of cargo hold."
Eavis: How big is the cargo hold?"
Worejea (dejected): "49."
Eavis: "And we'd have to buy the equipment too."
Worekea (perks up again): "No we don't! We'll just go to someplace where there's someone to trade with. We won't need the ship once we get there, so we'll sell it and buy supplies!"
Eavis: "Can we be sure we can find someone to buy it?"
Worekea: Sure! There's always a market for 100 year old rattletrap starships! We'll install low berths in the hold. They take up half a dT each, so we can install 98. Hmm. Are we using GURPS Traveller rules, dear?"
Eavis: "Why?"
Worekea: "Because with any other set of rules we can only have one person per low berth, but with GT rules we can have four apiece."
Eavis: "Then by all means let's use GT rules."
Worekea: "Great! That's another 392 people we can carry for a total of 424. Of which we only have to pay... how much?"
Eavis: One fifty-third. But dear, we'll have to buy the low berths, won't we?"
Worekea: "Oh, right. Let's check what they cost. Eh... I guess we won't want to buy the low berths sescond hand, will we?"
Eavis (firmly): "Certainly not! And we'd better make sure we recruit a doctor."
Worekea: "Well, low berths cost 220,000 credits apiece."
Eavis: "That comes to 20,240,000. Which with the cost of the ship comes to 23,920,000. Divided by 53... our share comes to a little over 450,000 credits."
Worekea: "Still no go?"
Eavis: "I'm afraid not, dear."
Worekea's sister Kuroa enters waving an orange slip of paper.
Kuroa: "Great news, everybody. We've just won half a million credits in the lottery!"
Eavis: "What an amazing stroke of luck!"
Worekea: "YES! All we need to do now is find 52 other middle-class families who's won the lottery and we're all set!"
Eavis: "There just one thing, dear."
Worekea: "What's that?"
Eavis: "Who is going to be the clan lord when we get there?"
ROLL CREDITS
Narrator: Join us next week as Worekea tries to persuade his friends that he should be the new clan lord.
ARMPIT THEATER
In connection with McWhirter's Quick-frozen Porridge Fingers
Proudly presents:
THE IHATEI
Episode Two
Narrator: In the last episode we followed the life of Worekea, a typical middle-class Aslan restaurant manager with two wives, an unmarried sister, and four children ranging from a truculent near-adolescent male to an adorable five-year old daughter, and saw that it really sucked and that the land-hunger tore at him. Now we join him as he returns home to his family at the end of the day. His chief wife Eavis awaits him.
Worekea: "Honey, I'm home!"
Eavis: "Welcome home, dear. How was your day?"
Worekea: "Rotten, just rotten. I'm sick of having to defer to all those nobles. And I'm consumed by an insatiable hunger for land."
Eavis: "There, there, dear. Dinner will be ready soon. That'll cheer you up."
Worekea: "No, I've made up my mind! I'm not going to put up with it any more. Have a look at this."
Eavis: What is it?"
Worekea: "It's a catalog from Honest Arois' Used Starships. I want us to buy a Fituiva class freighter. You know, the one that has the exact same stats as an Imperial Empress Marava\_ class free trader."
Eavis: "I don't think we can afford that, dear. It costs 36,8 million credits."
Worekea: "From new, yes, but this is a 100 year old rattletrap that Honest Arois is giving away for one tenth that! That's, let's see, divide by 10, carry the 4... eh... uh..."
Eavis: "3,68 million credits, yes. That's still more than we can afford."
Worekea: "Is it really? Well, why don't we split the cost with some other people? There's Fulualea, the cook at the restaurant, I'm sure I can persuade him to come."
Eavis: How many people can the ship carry?"
Worekea: "Let's see, it has 10 staterooms and room for 12 more in low berth. With two to a stateroom that comes to 32 in all."
Eavis: "Our share would be 920,000 credits. We could save that up in 23 years if we didn't have to pay rent, food, and taxes in the meantime."
Worekea: "Oh! Well, how about hot bunking? That way we can get another 20 people into the staterooms."
Eavis (doubtful): "Do you really think it's a good idea to overload the life support system of a 100 year old starship by 100%?"
Worekea: "Well, maybe not. But then how about putting low berths in the cargo hold and get more people that way?"
Eavis: "Wouldn't we need to carry equipment along if we want to settle in some wilderness?"
Worekea: "You're right. Let me check The Dummy's Guide to Emigrating. It says here each colonist needs an average 1.5 dT worth of equipment. For 32 people that would require 48 dT of cargo hold."
Eavis: How big is the cargo hold?"
Worejea (dejected): "49."
Eavis: "And we'd have to buy the equipment too."
Worekea (perks up again): "No we don't! We'll just go to someplace where there's someone to trade with. We won't need the ship once we get there, so we'll sell it and buy supplies!"
Eavis: "Can we be sure we can find someone to buy it?"
Worekea: Sure! There's always a market for 100 year old rattletrap starships! We'll install low berths in the hold. They take up half a dT each, so we can install 98. Hmm. Are we using GURPS Traveller rules, dear?"
Eavis: "Why?"
Worekea: "Because with any other set of rules we can only have one person per low berth, but with GT rules we can have four apiece."
Eavis: "Then by all means let's use GT rules."
Worekea: "Great! That's another 392 people we can carry for a total of 424. Of which we only have to pay... how much?"
Eavis: One fifty-third. But dear, we'll have to buy the low berths, won't we?"
Worekea: "Oh, right. Let's check what they cost. Eh... I guess we won't want to buy the low berths sescond hand, will we?"
Eavis (firmly): "Certainly not! And we'd better make sure we recruit a doctor."
Worekea: "Well, low berths cost 220,000 credits apiece."
Eavis: "That comes to 20,240,000. Which with the cost of the ship comes to 23,920,000. Divided by 53... our share comes to a little over 450,000 credits."
Worekea: "Still no go?"
Eavis: "I'm afraid not, dear."
Worekea's sister Kuroa enters waving an orange slip of paper.
Kuroa: "Great news, everybody. We've just won half a million credits in the lottery!"
Eavis: "What an amazing stroke of luck!"
Worekea: "YES! All we need to do now is find 52 other middle-class families who's won the lottery and we're all set!"
Eavis: "There just one thing, dear."
Worekea: "What's that?"
Eavis: "Who is going to be the clan lord when we get there?"
ROLL CREDITS
Narrator: Join us next week as Worekea tries to persuade his friends that he should be the new clan lord.
Bravo rancke! Bravo!<bows> 
