Short fiction review?

[Leitz]

Uh...tap...tap..tap...is this thing on?

I've started a short story and would like some feedback. Anyone really bored? Any comments on how to improve the story, as well as how to make it more Traveller-ish, appreciated.

PM me with an e-mail address and I'll send it along.

Thanks!

L

 

[Leitz]

I've gotten one review back and two more are in process. The first review gave me some good ideas to fix and the other two reviewers are probably going to stir the pot even more.

Thanks!

L

 

[Blue Ghost]

Where's it posted?

 

[Leitz]

Where's it posted?

Hey BG!

It's not posted. I've asked in the first note up top for folks to PM me with an e-mail address. That way I'm not clogging up the Forum with low grade stuff. When it's done with the first draft, and reviewers comment's integrated, then maybe posting.

Thanks!

L

 

[Leitz]

In the feedback I've gotten so far, people have gently pointed out there's no sense of where they are and what they see. No one has reported falling asleep yet. Or they did fall asleep and haven't woken up yet...

Any suggestions on how to make this more Travellerish? The situation is that an Imperial Army unit, similar to Vietnam era Special Forces A teams, has been sent in to support a planetary bureacuracy. There are significant natural resources in some rough terrain controlled by another ethnic group. The teams use whatever local technology is available to train the natives in defense skills.

So far I've used choppers, chemical combustion slug throwers, failed radio wave comm gear, powered boats, and the ever present goat herd. I'd like the technology to be muted enough so that anyone could visualize it, and weak enough that the people come to the fore.

Thanks!

L

 

[Icosahedron]

Is there enough tech to say 'this is a sci-fi story not a war story'?

Is there any specific tech that marks it out as Traveller?

Are you trying to avoid specific mention of Traveller stuff for copyright reasons?

How short is your short story? If it's 1000 words I might find time to read and comment, if it's 10,000 I might not...

 

[aramis]

in sent-draft 1, Leitz has mentioned a couple worlds by name, the tech is Traveller consistent, but it's not clearly "Traveller" unless you know the marches astrography.

It's got a compelling start. I'm not terribly patiently waiting for more (Hint Hint Nudge Nudge <BRICK-BAT> WHACK!!!!)

 

[Leitz]

Aramis, your wish is granted! Feel free to comment, as I've tried to take your feedback from part 1 to improve part 2. The part you just got is much shorter than the ~2500 words of part 1.

There are some Tech Level breaks in the story, and they are intentional. More in part 2 than part 1, though that will change. Aramis and Hemdian made some good observations and I need to re-write the first part. That will also include the Tech Level stuff that pushes this from Middle East to Traveller.

Icosahedron, I'm writing to have fun, and hopefully provide something of value to the Traveller community that's been helping me have fun. So I'd like to make it fit in a Traveller OTU though there are no major sector changing events included.

L

 

[Leitz]

The first draft is 6745 words from start to finish. That is, of course, the first and very rough draft. It makes perfect sense to me but others have already pointed out some of the things I missed conveying to others.

I really appreciate the feedback. This is my first venture past the vignette stage and I expect there are things to learn.

Thanks!

L

 

[Leitz]

I must have cost a few of the folks to lose so many SAN points that they're not responding. :devil:

L

 

[aramis]

I must have cost a few of the folks to lose so many SAN points that they're not responding. :devil:

L

The current draft is a really good story; it's a nice arc. I can see expanding the action a little; only the transition to the captives is too abrupt. Tho' more of an approach scene (talk about the chopper from an external point of view, and describe the building a bit better).

Just been letting the thoughts percolate.

 

[Leitz]

I've been trying to figure out a reasonable way for the team going in to find the captives quickly. Something that shows action but not two idiots stumbling around blind and getting lucky. Can't see professionals doing that, and yet they're pressed for time as the numbers are against them.

L

 

[Major B]

I've been trying to figure out a reasonable way for the team going in to find the captives quickly. Something that shows action but not two idiots stumbling around blind and getting lucky. Can't see professionals doing that, and yet they're pressed for time as the numbers are against them.

Leitz, I may be off-base here as I haven't read your draft but I may have a bit of insight based off what you said above.

Professionals don't stumble around blind, but when they are pressed for time and outnumbered they do take calculated risks.

The terms are purposeful - risk versus gamble. Assess all the threats to success (and threats to the team members), develop a plan that mitigates against those threats, and then take action according to that plan knowing that you have a preplanned response to any potential threat.

In other words, stumbling out and trusting to luck is a gamble. Knowing the threats, planning to minimize those threats, then committing to a course of action with eyes open is more the hallmark of a professional who has the skills to be audacious when the situation warrants it.

Without knowing more of the story I'm not sure if that helps, but hope it does.

 

[Leitz]

Major B, I agree with what you're saying. The cave complex is relatively new. Sort of like the VC mountain in "We were soldiers" with Mel Gibson. The A team members are spread out and some captured while the remainng two, with a new CO, are ordered to destroy all gear and exfiltrate back to the lines. In this case they decide to push forward and rescue the captives before returning.

Aramis has not reported any nausea while reading the story so that's a start. It is my first work of this length and there's room to make it larger if I can do so in a way that keeps things fun to read. I'm sure there's room to improve so if you're up for a ~6,000 word read, PM me with an e-mail address and I'll happily take your critique.

There are several themes running through my head as I write. The sad loss of war, the committment to comrades, current and past military struggles, and doing what's right even when it's not what's ordered.

So yeah, going in with gun blazing is not the idea I'm looking for. Trying to find hostages in a cave complex is, well, complex.

L

 

[aramis]

The last draft is good, but does need that search inserted.

 

[Blue Ghost]

Leitz; sorry for not getting back to you, but my net's been down. I'll see if I can get to it this weekend.

 

[david.wendelken]

I've done a fair bit of fiction and technical writing over the years, plus I've edited several journals and books.

I'll be glad to look it over.

 

[Leitz]

Leitz; sorry for not getting back to you, but my net's been down. I'll see if I can get to it this weekend.

No worries! I've been taking feedback and fomenting improvements. Haven't gotten anything ready to put out yet, so new ideas will spice up the mix.

L

 

[Blue Ghost]

Well, I'm trying to get through it, but it's not reading like Traveller fiction. It reads like a Vietnam war story. Choppers? Parachutes?

Sorry Leitz, you lost me.

Some of the passages read well, but it's not holding my interest.

 

[Leitz]

Well, I'm trying to get through it, but it's not reading like Traveller fiction. It reads like a Vietnam war story. Choppers? Parachutes?

Sorry Leitz, you lost me.

Some of the passages read well, but it's not holding my interest.

Hey BG, you're right. I've been trying to figure out ways to make it more a Traveller story while keeping it a semi-realistic balance of Tech Levels. Any thoughts on how to do that?

Thanks!

L