Two new stories

[lostscout5]

Hope to get some feed back on these. I've got an editor looking at all of my mistakes in spelling, grammar and punctuation. I would love to hear how you like the stories themselves. "The Broken blades" and "A problem like Myra" And yes I'm on a sword worlder kick.

https://jrcliffordblog.wordpress.com

 

[Burocrate]

2 stories

Good stuff, you provide a believable and entertaining glimpse into one possible Sword World history.

Well done.

Lou

 

[lostscout5]

Thanks. I actually have two more short stories in the same setting. I'm just trying to clean them up some more before I post them. The next one is kind of sad (but my wife loves it). I should have "The Huntress" up by the end of the week.

 

[lostscout5]

I actually have two stories up. The second one is 3 times as large. So instead of just posting it after "The Broken Blades" I gave it 3 separate pages. One for each chapter. People seem to be missing it. It's "A problem like Myra". Look on the top of the page. Wordpress is harder to use then I had anticipated. I'm still getting the hang of it. Plus I'm sometimes a bit of an idiot.

 

[warwizard]

In case your editor misses these:

just to read how desperate are position really is
just to read how desperate our position really is

this time the Imperials are trying to make this a permeant annexation
this time the Imperials are trying to make this a permanent annexation

I rather enjoyed the story, A problem like Myra, the only thing that seems to be missing is why the attack on the shuttle and ground party, we were never given the goals of the attack.

 

[lostscout5]

In case your editor misses these:

just to read how desperate are position really is
just to read how desperate our position really is

this time the Imperials are trying to make this a permeant annexation
this time the Imperials are trying to make this a permanent annexation

I rather enjoyed the story, A problem like Myra, the only thing that seems to be missing is why the attack on the shuttle and ground party, we were never given the goals of the attack.

Thanks for the input. I need all the help I can get!
I was going to put the reasons for the attack in another story. A local corsair group was going to try to kidnap the Vargr minister. But scrubbed the mission. Too much security. Myra didn't know that and attacked first. If the sword worlders hadn't opened fire they would have been allowed to leave peacefully. :devil:

 

[lostscout5]

Another offering

Ok, I just put my third story up.
https://jrcliffordblog.wordpress.com/the-huntress/
All comments welcome. :CoW:
Seriously, I've really appreciated the feed back I've gotten. Thanks !

 

[Leitz]

I read "The Broken Blades" the other day, not bad. Power scenes like world rulers are fun for me. I would suggest more dialogue; you have an intriguing situation that can stir some lively conversation. Describe less; fewer words with more power.

Looking forward to reading more of your writing later this week. It's well past my nappy time.

 

[lostscout5]

Thanks. One of the reasons this story in particular, has a lot of exposition is that I had originally planned to use it as the prolog of a novel. And I have the dialog pretty low key because I always pictured the sword worlders that way. Low key, taciturn. At least until they go berserk and whip out the axes and broadswords!

 

[Imperium2016]

Brilliant read! and your doing really well. All the input here should do the job, i couldn't even see some of the mistakes :rofl:

Thanks for sharing

 

[Leitz]

Just read "The Huntress", reminds me of an ex-girlfriend that shows up in games now and again.

 

[Leitz]

Just wanted to add to this, a downer. There was no one in the story to root for. One manipulates, one is a dufus, and the last becomes emotionally dead. Readers want to identify with at least one character in the story and to feel sympathetic to them. There's no one to latch on to there.

Any of the three, or all of them, could be made more attachable. Myra is hurt but struggles back, the guy is pressured into the marriage, and the manipulator is driven by some dark secret. Giving the reader some knowledge of why the issues exist helps.

 

[lostscout5]

Just read "The Huntress", reminds me of an ex-girlfriend that shows up in games now and again.

I think most of us know someone like Helga. Just be thankful your's is an ex. I pity the poor slob that is currently married to mine. But still better him than me!

 

[lostscout5]

Just wanted to add to this, a downer. There was no one in the story to root for. One manipulates, one is a dufus, and the last becomes emotionally dead. Readers want to identify with at least one character in the story and to feel sympathetic to them. There's no one to latch on to there.

Any of the three, or all of them, could be made more attachable. Myra is hurt but struggles back, the guy is pressured into the marriage, and the manipulator is driven by some dark secret. Giving the reader some knowledge of why the issues exist helps.

Hmm, good point. I always intended these shorts to be an introduction to the characters. I develop Myra more in the novel I'm working on. But I should have expanded more here. Thanks.

 

[lostscout5]

Been a little busy with work and family of late. So I haven't been on the site much. But I have been working on my novel "Sword in the Shadows". About 30-40% done. It's set in 1202. Mostly on Mora/Mora. But if these changes to the Empress wave are right, the second book I planned to wright just went right out the window. C'est la vie!

 

[Leitz]

Been a little busy with work and family of late. So I haven't been on the site much. But I have been working on my novel "Sword in the Shadows". About 30-40% done. It's set in 1202. Mostly on Mora/Mora. But if these changes to the Empress wave are right, the second book I planned to wright just went right out the window. C'est la vie!

The joy of a non-OTU setting is doing what you want. Mine are in 1428 and the game we're playing is 1416. Zip on the Empress Wave. Did a little reading on it and dropped it. Ugh. Until we start making light sabres and The Force Canon, the EW seems to be silly.

 

[lostscout5]

The joy of a non-OTU setting is doing what you want. Mine are in 1428 and the game we're playing is 1416. Zip on the Empress Wave. Did a little reading on it and dropped it. Ugh. Until we start making light sabres and The Force Canon, the EW seems to be silly.

:rofl:. I think light sabers are still out. But Psi{force} lightning, maybe.

 

[Leitz]

No light sabres, no silly cross galaxy wave. I don't think anyone really thought of the energy requirement if you actually think of how big space is.

My personal advice would be to make all three main characters have more depth. Know their why, what is changing in their life? What drives them? The deeper you can make the reader identify with the characters the more of a story you have.