Take Pakkrat Down A Peg

[mike wightman]

In the 3I setting the TAS produces factoids about planets and uses the UPP format. Similarly the IISS in universe uses the UPP format - it is not a metagame artifact it is used in setting.
Once again Marc's novel is pretty clear on this - and it works.

Have you read Marc's novel?

 

[Blue Ghost]

I tried, but it didn't grab me. But like I say, just as Trek has it's terminology, so too might the TAS. And it is mister Miller's game and setting, so what he says goes, but I still stand behind my post.

 

[The Pakkrat]

That you guys are even reading Down A Peg, posting critique here or just perusing and dropping by is a compliment. If you are enjoying the story or the social surrounding this, thanks.

 

[Blue Ghost]

Hey Pakkrat

Well, I got through the first page of postings. I guess my first impression is that it does seem somewhat anthropomorphic, in particular with the use of the term "Valkyrie".

It strikes me as being standard Traveller fare, only instead of a bunch of Imperial merchants it's a bunch of Vargr being drawn into some kind of mission for a world with gender issues.

I might add a bit more setting. I know what a cross dressing male Vargr looks like, but I'm pretty much in the dark (no pun intended) as to the layout of the ship, city, train and even the limo.

I think I might have started your story after the arrest, and with a bunch of mixed sex Vargr having stormed the ship and searching for contraband. On that note, to me, and again this is all just my own unmitigated opinion, during said hypothetical search you can then have the troops plant evidence as ground for arrest and/or inducements and other coaxing of the hapless merchant crew to do the planet's bidding.

Right now a shortage of male Vargr due to this world's Armageddon however many years back, might work better under different circumstances; i.e. a plague that only infects males, or some other good trope like that, giving cause to clamp down on the male population.

I think you also need to explain the war that caused the rift in slightly more detail. Your style is like a lot of other authors in wanting to present themes and story both for the readers. The trick is to find a real tantalizing way of letting the audience absorb that information organically.

I hope this helps and makes some kind of sense.

I guess my only real question is what exactly the merchant's primary function? Is it contracted with someone? Are they part of a service?

Otherwise it is kind of interesting to read about what happens in the far off reaches of the extents.

 

[Blue Ghost]

p.s. I know this is fan fic, but HEV suit is something used in the Half Life PC game series. It keeps Gordon Freeman's heart pumping and his skin intact

 

[infojunky]

Haven't read in a while, need to get back to it. I do want to ask about something Blue Ghost mentioned; describing a planet by "Tech Level". While I agree that it seems like something the characters wouldn't say, I have no idea what they would say.

Thoughts on something else to use to describe the native tech level of a planet, ship, or other entity?

Shit, that one is easy, in that it would be mentioned from within the character POV. So places with higher prevalence Tech Levels would be High Tech, Lower Low-Tech. Think of it this way do we describe High income countries by their GDP or just call them Rich? Honestly the specific metrics live in the realm of Population Scientists (Geographers, Demographic Staticians or Economists or the like).

Note if push comes to shove use the descriptors for tech level that are in MT.

 

[mike wightman]

This is how it is done in the best sci fi novel I have read in a while:

He tapped his controller and the screen in front of me brightened. Titles appeared,
“Maaruur Core 0707 B694987-9.” The officer decoded it aloud, “Moderate size, tainted
dense atmosphere, less than average water. Billions of people, bureaucratic government,
reasonable law, comfortable tech, although it lags the mainstream.” He tapped again and
a new screen appeared. These codes were more dense, “8 billion people, a third are
mostly Vilani dating from the Third Millennium. The rest are indigenes: Shingans.
Bilateral bipeds about as far from the Human template as they can get. Hairy
exoskeletons. Graspers instead of hands.
“It’s an industrial world; that explains some of the taint in the atmosphere. Satellite
of a gas giant. Cold, a lot of the terrain is marked tundral, thus short growing seasons.
Apparently much of the food comes from vats.”

And later on:

I opened the case while talking, “This first one is an Ay Snap-12: that’s Ay Ess Enn
Pee dash 12; that stands for Advanced Snub Pistol, the twelve is the tech level.

 

[The Pakkrat]

Feedback Volley

Hey Pakkrat

Well, I got through the first page of postings. I guess my first impression is that it does seem somewhat anthropomorphic, in particular with the use of the term "Valkyrie".

It strikes me as being standard Traveller fare, only instead of a bunch of Imperial merchants it's a bunch of Vargr being drawn into some kind of mission for a world with gender issues.

I might add a bit more setting. I know what a cross dressing male Vargr looks like, but I'm pretty much in the dark (no pun intended) as to the layout of the ship, city, train and even the limo.

I think I might have started your story after the arrest, and with a bunch of mixed sex Vargr having stormed the ship and searching for contraband. On that note, to me, and again this is all just my own unmitigated opinion, during said hypothetical search you can then have the troops plant evidence as ground for arrest and/or inducements and other coaxing of the hapless merchant crew to do the planet's bidding.

Right now a shortage of male Vargr due to this world's Armageddon however many years back, might work better under different circumstances; i.e. a plague that only infects males, or some other good trope like that, giving cause to clamp down on the male population.

I think you also need to explain the war that caused the rift in slightly more detail. Your style is like a lot of other authors in wanting to present themes and story both for the readers. The trick is to find a real tantalizing way of letting the audience absorb that information organically.

I hope this helps and makes some kind of sense.

I guess my only real question is what exactly the merchant's primary function? Is it contracted with someone? Are they part of a service?

Otherwise it is kind of interesting to read about what happens in the far off reaches of the extents.

1. The Vargr, seeing Humaniti would use the term lupomorphic at us. So anthropomorphism is a POV term.
2. Roethoeegaeaegz doesn't have gender issues, nor do they cross-dress. It may seem androgynous to a patriarchal, Human culture to see a matriarchy where females dress for business or work while the males dress to attract. The males are not wearing female clothing, but rather clothing that is appealing to the opposite sex.
3. I suppose deckplans of the Gatherer would be in order. I do have them along with the vessel's Traveller⁵ stats. Description of vehicles seemed secondary to the story.
4. Frigates bearing down on the characters' ship is pretty equivalent to an arrest.
5. Homeworld loyalty in the face of overwhelming Charisma was enough to slap a mission on the Captain.
6. The civil war on Roethoeegaeaegz was explained to the other characters, but left off details not pertinent to the immediate story. I did not want to fly off on some long-winded tangent as the limo commuted the characters.
7. A Merchant's function is to make money, while taking advantage of Supply and Demand. In the case of Capt. Kakhskha and Dead-Hex, the two are freelance Merchants who mustered from distributors. A Merchant's endgame dream is to own their own vessel and ply the stars until enough money to retire is made. Until then, Kakshkha describes herself has having the Traveller Bug, the need to get out from under her homeworld's culture. For Dead-Hex, he's an opportunist and an impulse buyer which is why he does not have his own ship and helps his friend Lt. Anghal sign on with the Gatherer.
8. The Extents with its smaller polities, decentralized and Charismatic cultures, does not hone with what we expect in larger polities such as the Third Imperium. With such free-range and small-unit dynamics, much of a Vargr's time is improvisation amid constant change. And the Vargr prefer it that way. To them, Social Standing and a crystallized pecking order is stagnation and a slow death.
9. I first saw the Hostile Environment Vacc Suit, or HEV in the Equipment lists in Mongoose. At TL-14, a civilian HEV was the best protection money could buy without needing a license as a Mercenary. Thus the Captain of the Gatherer has to make do with civilian models. Traveller⁵ uses the ArmorMaker to design armors, suits and small mecha. I used the rules to crank out an HEV as well as the Seruean bodysuits the crew later wears.

Good feedback.

 

[Blue Ghost]

The HEV, I'm face palming myself here, because the Half Life series borrows heavily from Traveller and other scifi.

 

[Blue Ghost]

Hey Pakkrat

I got through pages 2 and 3 of "Down a Peg". I think at this point my primary observation is that I think you need to economize your language some. You tend to use "brown chocolate female" and "grey pelt" (or permutations thereof) to refer to your characters in a descriptive way. Once or twice during poignant moments or even in the midst of dramatic tension is where you refer to your primary characters by their physical traits.

The style also carries over to physical references, such as "the fresher the crew used", as opposed to the "bridge fresher" or "the ship's fresher" or "john", "can", "head", what have you. It's already a given that if it's the only bathroom on boar the ship, then that's the one the crew is delegated to. Just point out that it's the only one rather than describe it as being the only one, because the reader will automatically know the additional implicitc information associated with the reference.

You might want to add some texture here and there. You mention a 203-ish "stun grenade", I don't off hand know if stun rounds exist for present day M203s (I'll assume that they do), but here you may want to introduce the device with a textured description; i.e. "trooper Drugh loaded a M5000X flash bang into the sliding tubular under-barrel grenade launcher, and flipped the side sight as she leveled the weapon..." --that kind of thing.

I think your real strength is in reflective prose. That's a good sign of a novelist. When conveying history or thoughts your style tends to pump up a little more, and it really shows that you have a vision and know what you're talking about. I might emphasize more exposition on setup before leaping into the action. As an example, the Gatherer's escape didn't have enough energy. Tension was lacking. I think by putting in some of the captain's or engineer's tactical prowess by telling the reader that she/they had pulled this trick before and how she felt about attempting it here, then falling back to the action would help punch up the scene.

Valkyrie; is a Norse shield maiden who takes fallen warriors to Odin / Wotan's great hall for feasts and mead. I'm uncertain how an allegorical image is supposed to play as a descriptor. I might call them something else, or just simply refer to them as soldiers, security, what have you.

Anyway, I hope some of this helps.

 

[Tiikeri]

First of all, I think you're serious enough about writing that we can do without sugarcoating.

I read the first post of Down a Peg, and here are my initial impressions:

The characters sound like contemporary Americans and have little personality.

I strongly recommend eliminating the contemporary Americanisms from the characters’ speech as much as you can. I had to remind myself the characters were supposed to be Vargr.

Your language is difficult. I suggest reviewing a style guide and giving the story an update. It took me a moment to figure out knuckling her eye mean rubbing her eye instead of punching herself in the eye or something else. Example: “Technically, yes, Captain,” stiffened the Admiral on the screen. ‘Stiffened’ is the wrong verb and it doesn’t make sense. I know what you were trying to say, that the Admiral stiffened as she said something. Try: The admiral stiffened. “Technically yes, Captain.”

The names are difficult. I can’t even subvocalize them. The flow of the story jerks to a halt when I have to stop and try to figure out how to pronounce Roethoeegaeaegz.

I started making up my own names. Kakhskha became Kak-sha, Nouon became Nu-on, Dedhekhzgourz became Deh-dek, Knoellighz became Nolligs, and Roethoeegaeaegz became Ruh-mumble-mumble-mumble.

Finished the second post.

Would Dedex really say foppery? He sounds like an effeminate whiner in this scene. If males are subject to severe cultural and legal restraints on Ruh-mumble, why is Kaksha bringing Ded?

I don’t understand what you mean by valkyrie. The only people who would know what a valkryie is are Solomani and Sword Worlds cultural anthropologists.

You don’t need to keep telling the reader what color the characters are.

Zannun pouts? He’s a scientific professional over 50 years old and he pouts?

I strongly recommend removing the Traveller-specific jargon, like TL-15, and remove unnecessary description.

I think you’re capitalizing some nouns incorrectly, like when Kaksha is dressed in a Merchant’s black dress uniform. I think it should be ‘merchant’.

Ardell giggles? She’s a marine and she giggles? These people just don’t sound very mature.

Kashka and the other crew members treat Dedex like crap and he just takes it. He’s not very interesting.

So far there's nothing that's hooking me into the story. The characters are immature and uninteresting, and the plot seems fairly pedestrian. There's no tension, there's nothing that makes me care about what happens.

 

[The Pakkrat]

First of all, I think you're serious enough about writing that we can do without sugarcoating.

I read the first post of Down a Peg, and here are my initial impressions:

The characters sound like contemporary Americans and have little personality.

I strongly recommend eliminating the contemporary Americanisms from the characters’ speech as much as you can. I had to remind myself the characters were supposed to be Vargr.

Your language is difficult. I suggest reviewing a style guide and giving the story an update. It took me a moment to figure out knuckling her eye mean rubbing her eye instead of punching herself in the eye or something else. Example: “Technically, yes, Captain,” stiffened the Admiral on the screen. ‘Stiffened’ is the wrong verb and it doesn’t make sense. I know what you were trying to say, that the Admiral stiffened as she said something. Try: The admiral stiffened. “Technically yes, Captain.”

The names are difficult. I can’t even subvocalize them. The flow of the story jerks to a halt when I have to stop and try to figure out how to pronounce Roethoeegaeaegz.

I started making up my own names. Kakhskha became Kak-sha, Nouon became Nu-on, Dedhekhzgourz became Deh-dek, Knoellighz became Nolligs, and Roethoeegaeaegz became Ruh-mumble-mumble-mumble.

Finished the second post.

Would Dedex really say foppery? He sounds like an effeminate whiner in this scene. If males are subject to severe cultural and legal restraints on Ruh-mumble, why is Kaksha bringing Ded?

I don’t understand what you mean by valkyrie. The only people who would know what a valkryie is are Solomani and Sword Worlds cultural anthropologists.

You don’t need to keep telling the reader what color the characters are.

Zannun pouts? He’s a scientific professional over 50 years old and he pouts?

I strongly recommend removing the Traveller-specific jargon, like TL-15, and remove unnecessary description.

I think you’re capitalizing some nouns incorrectly, like when Kaksha is dressed in a Merchant’s black dress uniform. I think it should be ‘merchant’.

Ardell giggles? She’s a marine and she giggles? These people just don’t sound very mature.

Kashka and the other crew members treat Dedex like crap and he just takes it. He’s not very interesting.

So far there's nothing that's hooking me into the story. The characters are immature and uninteresting, and the plot seems fairly pedestrian. There's no tension, there's nothing that makes me care about what happens.

I must agree that reading Vargr words in the Gvegh language are hard to pronounce. Their mouths are shaped different from Humaniti. It takes practice but one can pick out the syllables and vowel pronunciations over time. I did not name the worlds in the story-journal. Those came from Travellermap.com and were there before I began developing the sector.

There are fellow writers trying to build a better, IPA pronunciation key for the conlangs of alien races in Traveller. The CT Vargr Alien Module tries to help the reader pronounce Gvegh worlds. But the effort is laborious without practice.

Kakhskha is pronounced KAX-ka.
Dedhekhsgours is pronounced Dead-HEX-gowrs or simply Dead-Hex.
Anghal has a hard 'g' and is not pronounce angel.

The use of valkyrie and paladin is however an English translation of the Gvegh that would have been used in their places. And yes, they are kept lower-case for a reason.

It has already been said and shown in canon books i.e. Agent of the Imperium that game terms are part of that universe. People use terms like "Tech-13", career names such as Merchant, and other vocabulary words.

This novella is more akin to an adventure journal where I jotted down notes from solo Traveller play and then fleshed out each episodic chapter.

Maturity of the characters is something based upon how old their home societies are. Kakhskha and Ardell come from a relatively young pair of worlds, especially after their society underwent the Recovery. Dead-Hex and Anghal come from a capitalistic and materialistic world. Though older, Zannun is not guaranteed to be more mature. Age is a poor substitute for wisdom. He has his faults in that he's a cloistered nerd in the Scholar career. He knows a lot about his favorite topics, but is not much to speak of in interpersonal interactions. The characters sound like Americans because their society acts like Americans, (young societies, capitalists, materialists, etc.). While the characters have never heard of the United States of America on Terra, there is nothing to prevent them from acting parallel in their personalities.

Since there is no extraterritoriality on the mainworld of Roethoeegaeaegz, the males are trapped on the planet once the gears touched down. Dead-Hex is summarily pissed off because he feels railroaded into a society he has no power over. It is like being born of a less privileged <insert minority here>.

Thanks for the initial report. It does help.

 

[Tiikeri]

A couple more comments:

These characters come from young societies, but what about their own emotional development? Zunna will have no doubt had to work hard over many years to earn his academic knowledge. He probably had to bust his tail in a competitive Vargr academic establishment. Now he has lived over half his natural lifespan and he still has the emotional responses of a junior high-schooler? He needs therapy.

If Deds is pissed off, he needs to act like it. He needs to have the rage of an adult being sold into slavery instead the whiny attitude of a 12 year old being dragged to an 8 year old's birthday party. Unless of course he's a spineless milquetoast who feels so powerless that he routinely lets people walk all over him, even to the point of ruining his life. Why would I want to read about a character like that?

And the marine, giggling as she marches someone she knows into a life changing situation against his will. Either she's another character with the emotional development of a little kid in the body of an adult, or she's mentally disturbed.

I know you didn't create the names, but I am telling you the effect they had on someone (me) trying to read your story. Possible solution: state the names once, then have the characters refer to them by easy to pronounce nicknames. Roege-mumble becomes Roegz.

It doesn't make sense for Gvegh to have a word for human female warrior spirits from an obscure ancient Solomani religion. I know you didn't make that up, but I think you should reconsider before repeating the questionable judgement that another writer made. Same with paladin, another obscure Solomani-centric word. I read the world description in the Traveller wiki, and the problem is the same there.

One good part was Ded rockin' that chest ruff. He needs some gold chains.

Like another poster mentioned, there's no tension. There's nothing that makes me care about what happens to the characters or their mission.

 

[flykiller]

The characters sound like contemporary Americans

if they sounded like aliens, could we follow any story about them?

 

[Tiikeri]

Absolutely, look how you made the engineer have a different cultural voice in your story.

 

[The Pakkrat]

I think I see the point of the maturity of the characters. Their young societies, a female-dominated matriarchy, giggling coping mechanisms for a veteran, insecurity on a pet project, (the innovative Collector Drive), insecurity of one's masculinity in the face of a matriarchy and the overall situation can lead one to believe that the characters are acting infantile.

But, the characters mature somewhat as the mission progresses. Dead-Hex starts to stand up for himself. Kakhskha learns some humility. Ardell learns forgiveness. Anghal realizes that she is only mortal, (we would say only human). Zannun uses more than his Scholarly know-how.

Again, this was a mission journal story. The actors of Star Trek: the Next Generation did not fully know their characters until through the first season. The same happened to me as I was solo playing them.

Dead-Hex comes off as a wimp with a big mouth.
Kakhskha stands too haughty with her privilege as a female from Roethoeegaeaegz. (Type that three times fast without using the backspace key.)
Ardell believes the Marines are the end-all, be-all of armed forces.
Anghal believes that Dead-Hex will burn out the Jump Drive with his 90D jumps.
Zannun believes that Serue can stand against the Ascendancy Pact.

Down A Peg was about humility and learning that there are bigger fish in the pond.

 

[flykiller]

if they sounded like aliens, could we follow any story about them?

Absolutely, look how you made the engineer have a different cultural voice in your story.

you mean chief laseiag? for all his different culture he was terran, not alien.

 

[Tiikeri]

All they have to do is not sound like Americans or anything else contemporary. Solomani humans wouldn't even sound like contemporary Americans.

It's like Deds saying something like "Cor blimey, I'll be two seconds off the ship and it's How's Yer Father, innit? That's not on." Deds has no reason to speak like that. Making him speak dialect like that without a logical in-story justification would do severe injury to the characterizations Pakkrat is trying to create.

The Americanisms Pakkrat used in the story weren't as bad, but they were enough to damage his characterizations.

Vargr: Let's go down to the planet.

Americanism: Okay guys, let's go down to the planet.

Britishism: Let's pop 'round the planet.
(I know all British people don't speak like this. It's an example of a dialect that Vargr wouldn't speak, or would need a very strong justification to speak. People born in Britain in the year 5000AD would need a strong justification to speak like this)

Anyway, Pakk has made it clear why he made the choices he did.