General Alien World Problems.

[Keklas Rekobah]

Alien-World Problems, also known as "E.T. Whines", are frustrations and complaints that are only experienced by members of technologically advanced extra-terrestrial civilizations. Here are 20 examples.

• Earth people refuse to to even try to comprehend your native language, no matter how loudly or slowly you speak it.

• It frustrates you to no end that Earth's Internet is slower and provides less information than your cortical implant would if it was connected to the global network on your homeworld.

• It is impossible to obtain any food or drink on Earth that you've grown accustomed to consuming on your homeworld.

• The only Earth species that resembles your own is kept as pets and trained to beg, fetch, play dead, and growl at strangers.

• Those pesky Earth people won't accept your native currency.

• Those pesky Earth people won't allow you to carry your disintegrator in public.

• Those pesky Earth people won't stop trying to steal your superior technology.

• You ask to meet with the "Being In Charge", only to be introduce to another pesky Earth person.

• You build a state-of-the-art death star, only to watch some farmboy blow it up by firing a torpedo down its only exhaust port.

• You don't understand why something so small and shallow as the Grand Canyon seems so impressive to Earth people.

• You miss the comfort of regenerative treatments on your homeworld, while being appalled at the thought of having to undergo invasive surgery on Earth.

• You quietly emigrate to Earth to escape family obligations, only to be outed by an emissary from your government, who insists that you must return home and ascend the throne due to your late father's passing.

• You think that Earth people should not have let their archeological sites fall into ruins.

• You think that Earth's public nature preserves should be more developed and domed over; with slidewalks, controlled weather, and more animatronic creatures than live ones.

• You think that nothing can spoil a vacation on Earth more than having to interact with those pesky Earth people.

• You travel hundreds of light-years to steal Earth's resources, only to have your entire invasion fleet disabled by an Earth-made computer virus.

• You travel billions of miles from Mars to conquer Earth for its resources, only to have your entire invasion fleet disabled by the common cold virus.

• Your butler-droid's batteries go dead, and you can't find a compatible power source anywhere on Earth.

• Your civilization has allegedly developed a doomsday weapon that keeps all other civilizations at bay, only to have those pesky Earth people announce to everyone that your 'weapon' is merely an elaborately-constructed lie.

• Your parents ship you off to Earth just before your homeworld explodes, and you now feel obligated to spend the rest of your days defending Earth and its people from every conceivable threat.

Can you come up with more?

 

[egor045]

You find yourself in a region of Earth called "Vancouver" and somehow it reminds you of your home planet.

This Vancouver place reminds you of many other planets as well.

You plan to stay for a week to do some research for a guidebook and you get stranded for fifteen years.

You are surprised to discover that the legendary home planet of humanity isn't called Dirt.

 

[flykiller]

the ugly alien.

 

[kilemall]

First World Problems.

 

[aramis]

You find yourself in a region of Earth called "Vancouver" and somehow it reminds you of your home planet.

This Vancouver place reminds you of many other planets as well.

You plan to stay for a week to do some research for a guidebook and you get stranded for fifteen years.

You are surprised to discover that the legendary home planet of humanity isn't called Dirt.

Nice to meet you, Ford.

 

[Barrel]

First World Problems.

Major race problems?

 

[Xerxeskingofking]

after having visited this planet several thousand local years ago, and having been worshipped as a god by the primitive locals, you return to your old stomping ground looking for a easy pick-me-up of fawning worship, only to find that locals have completely changed their religious views and your now thought of as merely an extremely advanced mortal, if your not dismissed as a myth.

You are surprised to discover that the legendary home planet of humanity isn't called Dirt.

Stainless Steel Rat?

 

[ShawnDriscoll]

The Medusan Ambassador has arrived.

 

[nobby-w]

Alien-World Problems, also known as "E.T. Whines", are frustrations and complaints that are only experienced by members of technologically advanced extra-terrestrial civilizations. Here are 20 examples.
[ . . . ]
Can you come up with more?

• We can't understand why the humans violently object to the use of our diagnostic probe - except for the ones that seem to enjoy it . . .
  
• Who is Marshall Applewhite and why in the pleaides do they think we know him?
  
• It's not an elegant weapon from a more civilised age - it's a plastic tube with a cold cathode light.
  
• We've just travelled a million parsecs from Andromeda - why does everybody keep telling us to contact our homeworld?
  
• Ayyyyy Lmao? What in the name of Grabthar's Hammer is that supposed to mean?
  
• Yes, we did find your robot. No, we left it alone - we're not salvage operators.
  
• No, Nigel Farage is not a Verkonian. And neither is Jacob Rees-Mogg.

And, finally ...

• No, we do not procreate by shaking hands.

 

[Keklas Rekobah]

You find yourself in a region of Earth called "Vancouver" and somehow it reminds you of your home planet.

This Vancouver place reminds you of many other planets as well.

I see we have another SGC fan here!

You plan to stay for a week to do some research for a guidebook and you get stranded for fifteen years.

You are surprised to discover that the legendary home planet of humanity isn't called Dirt.

Fifteen years to write "Mostly Harmless"? What in the name of Jeltz was he actually doing?

Back to the topic . . .

• Those Earthers keep wishing you "Peace and Long Life"; that is, when they're not asking you for Arwen's phone number.

• You are the first "Space Alien" the Earthers have ever seen, and they to expect you to be the harbinger of a great spiritual revelation for the people of Earth. They express disappointment when you translate their "Crop Circles" as advertisements for hygiene maintenance products.

• You so impress the Earthers with your technical devices, that they create a religious cult around you, and won't give you a moment's peace forever after.

• Now the Earthers are upset over your eating habits; so what's a few mutilated cattle here and there?

 

[egor045]

Stainless Steel Rat?[/I]

Got it in one. One of the early ones, when the Stainless Steel Rat was still good.

 

[Ex_Pendable]

They stole your cookbook. Now your human is coming out all tough and dry.

Humans have made a connection between your chain of crematoriums and your new protein shake, Soylent Green.

Your human guests are disturbed by how life-like your wall panels are, so you show them how your carbon freezer works.

You ask for Human Stew and get canned soup instead.

You turn up the thermostat a touch and now humans are loudly complaining about all the global warming.

Humans believe you've come to share with them the wisdom of the ages; you're ashamed to admit it's just sexual tourism.

You've landed but the humans barely react. Any time you try to talk with one of them, they point you towards some place they call "Comic-con."

George Lucas is refusing to come to the door.

 

[nobby-w]

[ . . . ]Humans believe you've come to share with them the wisdom of the ages; you're ashamed to admit it's just sexual tourism.[ . . . ]

I've already said this 8⁸ times before - WE DO NOT PROCREATE BY SHAKING HANDS!

 

[Ex_Pendable]

I've already said this 8⁸ times before - WE DO NOT PROCREATE BY SHAKING HANDS!

I should hope not, humans are not equip that way. Would you like to consult a human procreation specialist?

 

[Timerover51]

You send down a drone to survey the planet, and it is blown up by a missile fired by an atmospheric vehicle.

You send down a contact party in a small lander, and they are vaporized by a nuclear weapon.

You send down a survey party in what appears to be an uninhabited area of the planet, and it is attacked and the lander contaminated by hordes of small stabbing creatures that seemed to be highly attracted to you. The members of your party that have been stabbed begin to display signs of severe infection by unknown parasites.

You are given a special meal known at Texas-Style Chili, your entire digestive system is destroyed.

You approach what appears to be a family groups of similar mammals, and are immediately attacked by the large maned creatures. Severe injuries are the result to your party and one that lagged behind appears to have been eaten by the family group.

The natives of a smaller southern continent assure you that one of their favorite delicacies is a substance spread on what they call "buttered toast". After trying it, your digestive system rejects it with great violence all over your hosts.

You sample one of the beverages consumed in large quantities in this southern continent, trying to keep up with the natives to show your good comradeship, and collapse from alcohol poisoning.

You are discussing technology and engineering with an individual referred to as "Scotty". After your third glass of something that "Scotty" calls "Scot's Whiskey", he is puzzled that you pass out and fall off of your chair onto the floor.

You sample a local Earth beverage called "Coke", and become addicted to it, requiring at least a 12 cans a day. Your companions who try it also become addicted, and trade your advanced technology for several container loads.

 

[Grav_Moped]

After having your peace negotiations interrupted by an interdimensional rift that spews the most vicious and appalling insult imaginable, you and your former adversaries gather up your massive battlefleets to attack the planet from which the affront originated.

Due to a terrible miscalculation of scale, the entire armada is eaten by a small dog.

 

[atpollard]

After having your peace negotiations interrupted by an interdimensional rift that spews the most vicious and appalling insult imaginable, you and your former adversaries gather up your massive battlefleets to attack the planet from which the affront originated.

Due to a terrible miscalculation of scale, the entire armada is eaten by a small dog.

I HATE it when that happens! :rofl:

 

[SanDragon]

Still, don't panic.

 

[Grav_Moped]

You invade with massive heat-ray and chemical-weapon armed tripodal mecha that can overcome almost anything the natives can throw at them. The invasion is reported on the natives' primitive amplitude-modulated radio system, but assumed by them to be some form of entertainment program.

Your forces succumb to what appears to be an extremely effective and insidious biological weapons attack, despite the natives apparent lack of biological weapons capability.

 

[AtlanticFriend]

For some reasons humans are less focused on your having travelled a million parsecs to reach them than by the fact your civilization has invented Jump-capable starships before it has invented pants.